In the Woods
by Maddux
Summary: Bella's being stalked by something in the woods.
1. Wood Devil

**In the Woods**  
a CracKfiC by

_Maddux_

* * *

Chapter One

* * *

Have you ever been so scared, you couldn't open your eyes?

I was scared of the woods. Rather... I was scared of something in the woods. Some _thing_ that should have just been the stuff of legend and campfire lore, I knew it to be fact. Utter, undeniable truth.

I knew, because I had seen it. These two eyes, however human, could not lie. And some things just could not be un-seen.

Even now, as I curled in on myself, face shoved in the dirt, willing everything to return to normal – I knew that I had to get away. Because _it_ was still there.

I could smell _it_. Hear _it_. I could feel _it_ coming closer.

My ankle throbbed. The pulsing pain of broken bone and over-stretched tendons and ligaments only fueled the adrenaline in my veins. I had to get out of the woods.

I screamed as I rolled up onto my knees. The echo of a beastly wail stirred the hair on the back of my neck to attention. _It_ was coming for me.

I finally opened my eyes, so I could see which way I was stumbling. The forest was an endless maze of obstacles before me, but I knew which direction the house was. I hopped from tree trunk to tree trunk, balancing on my last good leg.

The forest rustled behind me. _Oh, God, help me._ I moved as fast as I could. I didn't look back. I couldn't. Not again. If I did, I knew I would crumble.

Throaty growls, low, frustrated... _It_ was getting closer. Chasing me. Hunting me.

I couldn't breathe. I didn't have time to wipe the dirt, the snot, or the tears from my face. I had a solid picture of home in the forefront of my mind. Home. Safe. The house never looked so good before. And my dad, Charlie. _Oh, Charlie_. He was never going to believe me.

I broke free of the last of the forest's barriers, brambles and branches slapping me from all directions, and fell face first into the yard. The house was a white blur before me. Fifteen yards left to crawl. The pain was awful, but the fear was worse.

I knew what chased me.

But I had no blurry photographic evidence to prove it.

* * *

**A/N**: Hey, all. This one's gonna come at you randomly. Sometimes hard and fast. Unpredictably. Because... this is CracKFiC.

No rhyme or reason. Enjoy.


	2. Wildman

**In the Woods**  
a CracKfiC by

_Maddux_

* * *

Chapter Two

* * *

I drew pictures of it, for days, just to exorcise it from my mind. Deep-set eyes of yellow-gold. Animal eyes that held too much intelligence to be purely animal. The face, so savage and primeval, sketched in graphite. I shuddered, going cold at the thought of ever running across that creature again.

I still couldn't tell Charlie.

"_Dad, I saw..."_

What?

"_Daddy... don't go fishing. Ever. Ever again. Ever."_

Yeah. Right.

I picked up my crutches and toddled into the kitchen. Charlie was working late, and it was already dark outside. Shit. I was scared of the dark, now, too.

I made a sandwich and sat down at the table to eat it. A chill to my right gave me goosebumps. The curtains were partly open, the glass radiating the cold from the outside. I took a bite of my sandwich, but the window kept distracting me. It freaked me out. That _thing_ could be out there...

I finished off dinner, leaving only a few crumbs on the paper plate. Then I scooted the kitchen chair closer to the window. I wasn't going to leave the room without closing the damn curtains.

Just as I was reaching over to grip the yellowed gingham, the phone rang.

I nearly jumped out of my skin. Gripping the curtains tight in my hands, I glanced back at the dark glass.

Something moved.

A frightening terror seized hold of me. A very large, grubby palm slapped against the glass pane, cracking it. My screams drowned out the shrill ringing of the house phone. I scrambled backward, falling from the chair, banging my ankle cast on the way down to the floor. That didn't stop me.

Grabbing hold of one of my dropped crutches, I used it to lever myself up. Only then did I realize I'd ripped down the kitchen curtains.

I looked back in disbelief, in fear, knowing what I would see.

Only, this time, there was some way to measure the beast.

It stood taller than the kitchen windows. It was hunched, leaning over to look inside. At me. It was looking right at me.

Massive was a small word for it. I gaped in rapt horror, forgetting to breathe, forgetting to run.

It snarled, and I remembered how to move.

The phone kept on ringing, but I didn't stop for it. No way in hell. I turned and shoved my ass up the stairs. And when I got to the top, I locked myself in my room. I pulled all the curtains closed, grabbed my cell, and pulled the mattress off my bed and hid underneath it.

It was time to tell Charlie about my stalker.


	3. Timber Giant

**In the Woods**  
a CracKfiC by

_Maddux_

* * *

Chapter Three

* * *

I dialed Forks Police Department and asked for Charlie Swan.

When he picked up, I frantically whispered. "Dad, you've got to come home, and bring reinforcements with you. Bring all the guns with you. Big ones. And lots of bullets."

"What in hell is going on, Bella? Guns? What's happened?"

"There's something outside. I think it's trying to get into the house. It's huge, Dad. It's scary and it growls and we've got to kill it with fire."

"Hold up, wait a minute. Someone's trying to break into the house?"

"Yeah, Dad. But it's not _someone_. It's some _thing_. It's hairy and smelly and, oh, God, please don't laugh. I think it's a Sasquatch."

"Are you shitting me?"

"No! Please, Daddy, I'm scared. Please come kill it. Don't come here alone. It was outside the kitchen. I saw it. It broke the glass. You've got to believe me. This is the second time I've seen it."

Charlie got real quiet.

"Bella, stay in the house. Don't come outside for any reason. As a matter of fact, hide in your closet. I'll be home in a few minutes."

The line went dead.

I huddled under the mattress, no way was I moving, being as quiet as possible. And I listened. I tried to detect any sounds that could come from a large creature, whether it was creeping around the outside of the house, or if it had made its way inside. Oh, no! The doors. Did I lock the doors? Yes...

I checked the front and the back doors right after Charlie left the house.

But all that wooly bastard had to do was finish breaking the kitchen windows to get in. Oh, shit. I wasn't safe in the house, anymore.

I heard sirens in the distance.

Charlie was on his way home, and it sounded like he'd brought along some backup.


	4. The Big Man

**In the Woods**  
a CracKfiC by

_Maddux_

* * *

Chapter Four

* * *

"I got nothin', Chief." Deputy Emmett McCarty was looking good with his bullet-proof vest strapped around his excellently honed chest. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up over his forearms, and he was carrying a sizable pump-action shotgun. I had a crush of the worst kind on Emmett McCarty.

Charlie nodded as he inspected the cracked window. "Not surprising." Charlie shot me a look, like he wanted to believe me, but he just couldn't picture the truth as I say I saw it. He'd not even hinted to Emmett about the intruder being, you know, a Squatch.

"How's that leg healing, Swan?" Emmett was a southern boy, and I liked to hear him talk. As a matter of fact, I felt loads safer now that Emmett was in my house. Maybe I should keep him.

I blushed and grinned. "Yeah, it's doing all right." I tapped the hard heel of the cast against the floor, jarring my injury. I closed my lids as I went cross-eyed from the pain. I was such a dumbass, sometimes.

"So you think you saw a bear by the window?" Emmett asked.

"Uhhh..." I glanced at Charlie, he raised an eyebrow at me. Returning my focus to Emmett, I nodded. "Yeah. Probably a bear. A really big one. With teeth and fur."

Emmett laughed. "Yep. Sounds like a bear to me. A ferocious one."

Aw. I wanted to lick him. With my tongue.

"Can I get you something to drink, Emmett? I've got ice-cold Pepsi in the fridge." Wet and ready for you to sip... _Damn, Swan. Keep it in your pants._

Emmett looked to Charlie for... permission? Charlie just frowned. Guess that was a no-go on the cola.

"I'm not thirsty right now, miss Bella. But thank you."

I smiled. "Anytime, Emmett."

Charlie cleared his throat. Loudly. "I'll send a patrol around every hour. That ought to keep anything from getting too close to the house. I'll spread some mothballs around before I leave, too. Deterrent."

Oh, shit. They were going to leave me alone in this house. "Sure you can't stay a little longer?"

"You'll be all right, Bella. I'll be home after midnight."

"Yeah. Okay." I wasn't convinced in the least. And there were hairy men out in the woods. I shivered and rubbed my hands up and down my arms.

Emmett must have felt a little sympathy for me. He patted me on the shoulder before he headed out. "You're a tough chick, Bella Swan."

_Your tough chick, Emmett McCarty. Wink wink. Kiss kiss._

"Thanks, Emmett."

Charlie pulled his gloves back on when he got to the door. He still had that contemplative look on his face. I knew Emmett was out of earshot, so I said, "I didn't lie, Dad. I know what I saw."

Charlie sniffed, nodded. "There's always been legends of..."

"Yeah. I know."

"I'll do what I can to learn more. Just... Don't go outside alone."

"Don't worry about that, Dad. Wouldn't dream of it."

Charlie nodded and locked up on his way out.


	5. Buk'wus

**In the Woods**  
a CracKfiC by  
Maddux

* * *

Chapter Five

* * *

I dreamt about Emmett's baby blue eyes. A lot. But in the weeks since the encounter at the kitchen window, those dreamy blue eyes of my dreams seemed to melt into yellow. Yellow-gold. Animal. Nightmare.

Yet again, I woke from a deep sleep, sweating and gasping. Woken by bad dreams.

I crept to the window, careful to peel back just a corner of the curtain, and searched the yard and the woods beyond. It had been a while since I'd seen _it_, but I wasn't fooled. I knew _it_ was still out there.

Nothing moved in the darkness below. No giant wooly boogers watching me with glowing yellow eyes. No puffs of hot breath in the cold air. No guttural howls in the distance.

I felt safe enough going to and from school during the day, but at night, I couldn't venture away from the house. I always made it home well before dusk fell.

Charlie had no news for me. He'd asked some of the local Quileute tribe about their Bigfoot lore. Sure, there were stories aplenty, but most of the tribe members did not like sharing their old knowledge with a white man. The Quileutes were especially closed-mouthed about the Buk'wus of their legends: Wild man of the woods. Charlie said it was like they were afraid to talk about it.

Yeah. No shit.

I could sympathize.

Like how the Quileutes might dance around fire to ward off evil spirits, Charlie Swan ripped open that little blue box and spread mothballs around the perimeter of the house like clockwork. Like a mad man. I even crunched over them when I went to get into my truck every morning.

I still wasn't sure how much Charlie believed of my story, but it looked like he wasn't taking any chances. He even got me a gun. A mean-looking shotgun. He showed me how to use it, and I kept it loaded by my bed or close to me when I ventured away from my room. I wasn't allowed to bring it onto school grounds, even though I had a sweet gun rack on the back window in my truck.

I was feeling pretty invincible. You know, circle of mothballs, big game gun… What girl wouldn't feel warm and fuzzy?

And Emmett. _Swoon._ Emmett came around kind of often. Sure, he was older than me, and I was a senior in high school – it was a match made in heaven. I had our children's names picked out. I already signed my name: Bella McCarty. I was going to live happily ever after in a Squatch-free dreamland, with my shotgun in my hand, my man-of-steel McCarty by my side, and a cute, blue-eyed baby, named Timothy, on my hip.

Emmett did the patrols in my neighborhood. And he would stop by the house after school, after I got home. It was the highlight of my days.

And I couldn't wait for this afternoon.

I was going to make my move.


	6. Devil Monkey

**In the Woods**  
a CracKfiC by  
_Maddux_

* * *

Chapter Six

* * *

Emmett's smile made me weak in the knees. He'd knocked on the door, smiled at me, and told me he was going to take a look around the yard. I said I'd have some cookies waiting for him when he was finished.

That was ten minutes ago.

I grabbed my trusty shotgun and went out the back door. I really didn't know if it was trusty. I'd only shot it in practice once.

Emmett was crouched near the woods, checking out something in the dirt. He looked up at me when he heard the door slam. Smiled again.

My heart pitter-pattered, then stopped when I saw a big, dark shape step out of the trees behind him. No. _Nooo._

"Emmett!" I screamed.

Too late. Not enough. Emmett had no chance to react.

The Sasquatch was twice as tall, twice as wide as Emmett. It howled and reached for Emmett, picking him up by the shoulders. Emmett reached for his sidearm, but the beast twisted his body, wrenched his torso and his legs – ripping Emmett in half.

The Sasquatch _ripped_ Emmett in half.

The spray of blood was immense. Shock paralyzed me, but I could see the blood leaving Emmett's body. And his legs. I watched him die. The man of my dreams was dead, killed right before my eyes, and his murderer focused on me, next.

Cold metal weighed heavy in my hands. I shifted my grip.

The beast threw the two parts of Emmett to opposing areas of the yard. Hard, gold-yellow eyes tracked every movement of my hands. I raised the gun.

"You. Killed. My. Boyfriend, you _sonofabitch_!" I screeched.

The Squatch bent at the waist, widening his stance. His abnormally long, hair covered arms went wide, in sort of a corralling position. Like he was going to catch me, or get his hands on me.

"I don't think so, you overgrown macaque."

He didn't like that. The Squatch's eyes narrowed and he bared his teeth in a snarl. He stepped over the bloody patch of grass and came at me, one giant hairy footstep closer.

"I wouldn't expect you to understand," _it_ said. "I could smell it on him."

I looked all around the yard. No mistake. _The Squatch talks._

And the fucker had a British accent.


	7. Ice Giant

**In the Woods**  
a CracKfiC by  
_Maddux_

* * *

Chapter Seven

* * *

The safety was off. The gun was cocked. I took aim.

"Put that toy away," _it_ spat.

"I'm hearing things…" I murmured.

"The human was dangerous. Your finite human senses could not detect it."

I blinked, trying to bring the blurry Squatch back into focus. I was going crazy. Absolutely insane. In what world could this happen? Not only had I discovered the elusive Bigfoot in my back yard, come to find out, he had a hell of a lot to say.

"Murderous bastard!" I yelled at _it_.

"Please," _it_ growled. "I did the earth a favor. I did you a favor. You would have been his next victim."

"_Chatty_ murderous bastard!" I countered and fired.

Deafened by the shotgun blast, I stumbled backward. The Squatch's infuriated yell had me reaching to cover my ears. The gun fell to the ground.

He stalked closer, mad, so mad. I'd knocked off a patch of his bronze-colored pelt from his great big shoulder. It bled.

"Don't be foolish, human. I protect you."

Charlie was going to admit me into the closest insane asylum. Nothing made sense anymore. Animals talked and ripped people in half. Bigfoot existed.

"You killed him," I whispered.

"He would have done the same to you."

I still couldn't fathom his size. He stood eight and a half to nine feet tall. A whale of a gorilla. And he talked.

"How can you know that?" Why was I talking to _it_?

I flinched when the Squatch raised its tennis racquet-sized hand. He touched his nose, then pointed to the side of his head, then he laid his hand over his heart.

"What kind of an answer is that?" I threw my hands up. "No. Wait. I don't want to know." I picked up my shotgun. "Are you really not gonna hurt me?"

A deep noise rumbled from the Squatch's chest. Then, "No."

I looked around Bigfoot to the pieces of Emmett strewn about the yard. I started crying. "He's dead. I can't believe he's dead."

More rumbling from the Squatch.

"What do I do, now? I mean... You destroyed him. This is a huge mess... What's Charlie gonna say?"

"Charlie?" He growled.

"Yeah. That's my Dad. Chief of Police in Forks. Do you understand that? You've murdered one of his deputies in his own backyard. That's... definitely going to muddy his record."

The beast grunted. "Edward," it said.

I looked up at it in confusion. God, he was scary. "Edward?"

His hairy hand hit his chest. "My name."

I shook my head in disbelief. Un-freaking-real.

"Edward the Sasquatch," I mumbled. "This day can't get anymore weird."

"Don't call me names. I am Edward."

"Yeah. Edward... You've got a bloody mess to clean up."


	8. Windigo

**In the Woods**  
a CracKfiC by  
_Maddux_

* * *

Chapter Eight

* * *

Edward, who didn't like to be called Sasquatch, made Emmett's death look like a bear attack. From a nasty, rabid bear.

And then a funny thing happened. After Emmett McCarty's name was submitted on the death certificate, Charlie's station received a few interesting calls. Emmett McCarty was actually a lumberman living in the rolling green hills of Tennessee. A man named James Hunt had stolen the real Emmett McCarty's identity.

James had been tall, lean and muscular, handsome, with dirty blond hair and baby blue eyes. Emmett was husky, muscled, had short dark hair, and distinctly green eyes. And the real Emmett wasn't a murdering rapist. My broken heart didn't feel so broken anymore.

James Hunt had been a very dangerous man, who had cleverly fooled everyone around him.

Everyone but... Edward. A forest-dwelling Squatch.

It had been a couple of weeks since Edward had ripped James Hunt in half. The blood stains had been washed away by all the constant cold rain. I stood at the edge of the woods, still scared, but needing answers.

It required all the guts I had to take that first step into the underbrush. I used to like roaming in the woods. I often found peace in the woods.

Now I was looking for a Bigfoot.

I had my shotgun thrown over my shoulder and a bag of cookies in hand. Squatches loved cookies.

I didn't really know. I was taking a chance on the cookies. Maybe he would prefer apples and carrots. Shit. Squatches might get sick if they ate chocolate chips. What if –

Twigs snapped to my right.

I'd been walking for about ten minutes, and was pretty deep into the forest. I stopped and listened, searching the direction I'd heard the noise.

Edward's hairy face leaned out from behind a tree. That shit was still scary. He was half-peeping, half hiding.

I held up the bag of cookies and shook them at him. I heard him inhale deeply, then a rumbling noise of appreciation. Yeah. Squatches loved cookies.

"Have you returned to assassinate me?" he rumbled.

I held up my gun vertically. "No. I protect myself."

"No harm will come to you here."

"Yeah. Whatever. Hey, Edward... I have some questions for you. Will you answer them for cookies?"

The Squatch took a hesitant step out into the open.

"What do you ask of me?"

"You knew the man you ripped in half was bad. How?"

He nodded once, sending his long, bronze hairiness into a flutter. "I smelled death on him. I felt the hatred coming from him. I saw it in his mind. He was not good."

"Is that some kind of extra-sensory Squatch thing?"

Edward tilted his head, like he didn't understand. "You call me names, again. I am Edward."

"Yeah. I know. You already told me that. Want a cookie?"

"I enjoy human goods."

I bravely stepped forward and held one out to him. "Stick out your paw."

I plopped one cookie onto his big, calloused palm. He brought it to his flat nose and sniffed. He licked it before stuffing the entire cookie into his mouth. He rumbled deep in his throat. A sound of enjoyment.

"What are you doing in these woods?"

He rumbled. "This is my home."

"How long have you been here?"

"Lifetimes of men," he said.

"How come you're picking on me?"

His head tilted. "I have not touched your hair. Though it would be a pleasure to clean it."

"Uh... No. No touching the hair. I meant, why have you been stalking me?"

Edward took a great, deep breath. "You smell of good."

He stared at my bag of cookies. I gave him another.

"You have the smell of my mate."

I dropped the bag of cookies.

_Mate?_


	9. Skunk Ape

In the Woods  
a CracKfiC by  
_Maddux_

* * *

Chapter Nine

* * *

He reached for me.

I jumped back, yelling, "Squatchy hands!"

Didn't help. Edward was fast. He had me caught and thrown against his shoulder before I could get away.

"Edward, if you don't put me down, I will assassinate you. Until you're dead."

He squeezed the back of my thigh with his gigantic ape-y hands. "Be easy, human. I will be a good mate for you."

"I have a name, you know. You haven't even asked for it. So you can't be throwing me around and calling me your mate. That just doesn't happen. And, no offense, but you stink. Like... skunktasically stink." I tried ramming the butt of my gun into his lower back. He rumbled in displeasure.

"Come on! Put me down!"

"I will show you my lair. You will like it there. You will want to be my mate."

"Doubtful," I grumped.

Edward carried me deeper into the woods, far into the hills, until he dropped me to my feet at a small opening to a cave. Moss and grasses and branches camouflaged it from anyone passing by.

"I'm not going to be your mate, Edward. So you may as well take me back home now. I'll not shoot you. Just return me to my house."

"What is your name?" he asked, looking down at me with his eerie yellow-gold eyes.

I shook my head. "Take me home."

"Come see my home," he replied. He swept aside the grasses hiding the cave entrance and went inside.

I stomped my foot and let out a cry of frustration. Freaking Sasquatches!

But curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to see how Edward lived. So I followed him inside his lair, shotgun in hand.

What I saw inside surprised me. Somebody call _Better Homes and Gardens_, because Edward was living la vida Squatch-rustic.

He had collected old furniture to put inside his Squatch cave. He even had an old recliner.

Trouble was, the whole place smelled of skunk. _Skunk_, cologne for Bigfoot.

"Yeah..." I mused as I gazed at his primitive home. "Home, stinky home." A cave by any other name...

"You like it," he growled.

"No! I do not! It's time for you to take me home, Edward. I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not exactly compatible. You're not exactly Tarzan, and I'm definitely not Jane."

"Is that your name? Jane?"

"I just said it wasn't, you stupid baboon."

He growled low in his chest. "I am Edward."

"I know that! And I am a woman. You are a Sasquatch. This will _never_ work. _Never._ I want to go home. I want to go home, _now_!"

He let out a great big huff of air. "This will take time. I will court you."

I rolled my eyes. Riiight. I turned and left the cave.

The Squatch was right behind me. "I will carry you back to your home. It is very far."

"No, thanks. I'd rather not be sniffing eau de poo for the rest of the trip home. I will walk."

Too late. I was tossed, yet again, to ride Squatchback.

The truth, though, was that Edward could cover some major ground with his long, tree trunk-like legs. He deposited me by my back door in short order.

"Well, I can't say it's been a pleasure, Edward. But it really hasn't. So... you need to go on home, now. Don't bother me anymore. You're not welcome here." I gripped my shotgun and cocked it, just to show that I meant business.

The Squatch started pouting. His yellow eyes took on this hurt look, and his bottom lip stuck out.

I sighed and aimed the shotgun at his feet. "Leave. Buh-bye, Edward."

He took a slow step back, still looking wounded. I shot the ground at his feet, missing him by inches. He got the message. He was hidden by the trees in seconds.

Satisfied, I washed my hands of the whole situation and went inside to clean my gun.


	10. Wookie

In the Woods  
a CracKfiC by  
_Maddux_

* * *

Chapter Ten

* * *

"Courting" arrived in the form of piles of acorns on the back lawn.

There were gifts of squirrel carcases on the back porch.

A gutted deer thrown over the bed of my truck.

The Swan house was starting to draw some nasty scavengers.

Edward wasn't going to give up. Squatch resolve.

I was thinking about calling Animal Planet to tell them that I knew where they could find a fine Bigfoot specimen. But I didn't. I don't know... I just couldn't do that to him. For a Squatch, he seemed like a nice Squatch.

I was watching _Star Wars_ one night when I heard tapping and scratching at the window.

Guess who?

I jumped back when I saw his scary face in the window. "What do you want?"

"I want to court you in your lair."

Ha! "I don't think so, Edward."

"I am coming inside. I washed for you."

That made me pause for a minute. He'd washed?

I went to the back door and cracked it open. Edward lumbered up and looked at me curiously. "I don't have my gun with me, if that's what you want to know."

He seemed to relax a bit. "Come close," he said.

Without warning, Edward reached out and put his big paw at the back of my head, pulling me to him, shoving my nose in his hairy, hairy chest.

I started fighting, flailing my arms and spitting. "What? Stop that. Now!"

He let go and dropped his hand. "I washed for you. I do not smell."

Edward was right. The odor of skunk no longer permeated the air around him.

"Well that doesn't mean you can smash my face in your hairiness. You've got to give a girl a chance to smell you on her own. Geez."

He could barely fit through the door. It was only standard sized... not Squatch sized.

Edward's head snapped toward the living room when he heard a noise from the movie playing on the TV. Chewbacca's barbaric yawp.

He charged into the room, ready to do some damage, by the looks of him. No doubt feeling challenged by the other hairy character in my life.

"You court another!" he bellowed.

I started laughing. The Sasquatch was jealous of a Wookie.

"It's television, you fool. Sit down and enjoy it. It's only entertainment. Sheesh."

After a few minutes, I said, "You know, you kind of look like him." I pointed at Chewbacca on the screen.

"Untruth," Edward muttered.

"Nope. There's definitely a resemblance." His pelt was clean looking. Certainly shinier. It even looked inviting enough to touch. I touched the thick hair at the top of Edward's arm, and let my fingers glide through it. He smelled... woodsy.

Edward made a deep, rumbly noise in his chest.

Then I realized I was actually stroking him. Yeah... inappropriate Squatch touching.

"Okay. I think it's time you leave." I got up and opened the back door for him. As he walked toward me, I said, "I think I'll start calling you Wookie from now on."

He just looked at me for a few long seconds. "You may call me that, if you will tell me your name."

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Bella."

He growled in appreciation. "Bella."

As he left, I called out to him, "By the way. If you want to win a girl's heart, why not try shoveling the snow out of her driveway, instead of leaving dead carcasses for her to dispose of?"

I heard him make the Wookie noise from the back of the yard.

I couldn't help but laugh.


	11. Seatco

In the Woods  
a CracKfiC by  
Maddux

* * *

Chapter Eleven

* * *

Turns out, having your very own private Wookie around wasn't such a bad thing.

I could now change the light bulb at the top of the stairs. I could easily prune the trees in the yard. I could wash the top of my truck. Paint the house without a ladder. Well, you know, Edward did all those things.

Though he didn't like the chemical smell of the paint so much. Or the chain saw. Or the light bulbs – it took him a few tries to get it screwed in right – because he kept breaking them in his hands and then storming out of the house with an outraged roar.

Typical Squatch stuff.

The poor dude had never seen TV before the night of _Star Wars_. After that, he started coming around to watch as much TV as I would let him. Too bad Charlie came home early one night, and caught us in the living room.

We were watching Animal Planet. Edward couldn't get enough Animal Planet. He liked it almost as much as he liked cookies.

Charlie came through the door, dropped his work gear, and grabbed himself a beer. He plopped down in his recliner and popped the top. And took a sip.

He didn't even notice me, sitting on the couch, wide-eyed and clutching the couch's arm. He sure didn't notice the eight foot tall Sasquatch sitting next to me.

"Where's the remotes, hon? Game's on."

When I didn't answer, he finally looked our way.

I was pretty sure that if Charlie had had his gun at his hip, he'd have probably just thrown it at Edward in blatant disbelief. As it happened, he only had a full beer can at his disposal. After he'd smashed it in his hand, spewing beer all over everything, it seemed all he could do was say, "Shit."

Real high-pitched like.

"Shit." Crunching can. "Shit." Can landed at Edward's huge hobbit feet. "Shit." Charlie's eyes were as big as saucers. "Shit." His mustache wouldn't stop twitching. "Shit." His hands trembled.

"Dad... I know what it looks like..."

"Shit."

"I know, Dad, really. But all we're doing is watching Animal Planet."

"Shit."

"I'll get you another beer." I started to get up, but Edward growled.

"Shit."

"Dad, this is Edward. He's a Sasquatch."

"Shit.

Edward was gearing up to say something. I put my hand on his hairy arm and shook my head. "Don't," I said.

"Shit."

"Told you I wasn't lying, Daddy."

"Shit."

"You're dreaming, Dad. Go back to bed."

Charlie seemed to take his first breath since laying eyes on Edward.. "Yeah, okay. Going up to bed. I gotta quit drinking."

Charlie got up from his recliner, zombie-like, and marched up the stairs.

I blinked and nodded.

"That was my dad. You may want to stay quiet around him. You know, just for a little while. A talking Squatch might be difficult for him to take in."

We both went back to watching TV.


	12. Bigfoot

**In the Woods**  
a CracKfiC by  
_Maddux_

* * *

Chapter Twelve

* * *

Edward had a great laugh. It was a combination of the Santa Claus, from The Christmas Story, at the top of the Snowmall Mountain, who said, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid," and then shoved Ralphie down the slide with a "Merry Christmas. Ho. Ho. Ho," and Little Girl Laughing – Slowed Down, that I've watched on YouTube. Seriously some of the funniest shit I've seen. Or Hysterical Bubbles – Slowed Down. Take your pick.

Pretty much, any laughing baby in slow motion. Edward's voice had that deep creepy quality to it.

But he didn't get subtle comedy. No. It was fall down, pie in your face slapstick that Edward loved. It would be difficult for a dude that had scrubbed around in the woods for a bazillion years to understand why certain things were funny.

He certainly did not see the humor in a Sasquatch courting a human girl.

To him, that shiz was serious business.

It was like, I don't know... some kind of force of nature, instinct thing.

I had the smell of who he wanted to spend the rest of his days with.

And I still hadn't figured out how to fix the problem.

Because it wasn't like Edward was some kind of Were-Squatch, and could shapeshift back into human form after moonrise.

Nope.

He was the real deal.

As real a deal as any mythical, elusive creature could be.

"Edward," I said one night while watching TV. I turned the volume down.

"Bella." he rumbled in return.

"You do realize we're not the same, right?"

He grunted. He looked at me with his big old eyes, kinda sad.

"You need to go out and find your own kind. Find a mate of your own kind."

Edward let out a growly breath. "I do not want to leave you. You are little and you need me."

"I'm not going to grow anymore, Edward. This is my full size." All five foot four inches of it.

"You will grow. I will wait."

I started laughing. "No, Edward. I'm full grown. Forever."

Edward seemed to study our marked difference in size for the first time. He took my hand and laid it flat in his big calloused one. He huffed out several breaths as he traced the shape of my hand.

And I think he finally began to realize that we could never be...

"We cannot mate," he murmured.

"No," I said. "But you are my friend."

"We are friend," he said softly.

"I'll always think of you as my very own Wookie."

Edward laughed his evil baby slow-mo laugh and then let loose with a warbling Chewbacca call.

I laughed too.

That night, Edward lumbered off into the woods, and I haven't seen him since.

I knew what lived out there in the uncharted areas of the forest.

I wasn't much afraid, anymore.

* * *

**A/N:**

This was my first stab at a crackfic. I really had no plan, and every chapter was hastily written in only a few minutes. It was a fun exercise for my writing. I mean, come on. A Sasquatch fic. So this is how a chose to end it. A little sad...

But I hope you had a good laugh. I sure did, and I've enjoyed so many of your reviews. You guys made me laugh in return.

I may have to take another crack at crackfic. I'll have to see if I can come up with something equally as ridiculous.

Thank you for reading.


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